I woke up to the sun beaming in my window for the first time since I arrived. I slowly sipped my coffee from bed and was mentally preparing for the day. It wasn’t until I was in the shower that I could see the mountains bursting through the bathroom window. This is my 8th morning waking up here, but the first time I’ve seen these mountains with my own eyes. I quickly finished my shower so I could run to the rooftop to see them more clearly.
The moon was setting in the western sky and Machhapuchhare AKA Mt. Fishtail was directly north. To witness them sharing the sky was both magical and brilliant. I was beginning to think these mountains were just a fable. Seeing them shine this brightly and clearly forced me to ponder how efficiently they’ve been hiding. Literally, as though they didn’t even exist. There wasn’t any sign at all of their presence. None. But today, they are vibrant and ready to be seen. All last week the weather was unseasonably moody and grey. It rained a lot and the fog hovered like a funky mood that the sky couldn’t shake.
Same, here. I felt like this all last week. I wanted to hide and be still and sit in my moods. I felt a strong desire to examine the shadows and wait patiently for the light rather than try to force it out of me. I craved being under my big fluffy blanket, feeling safe and comfortable.
I am one with nature. It gives me life and clarity and understanding. My phases often coincide with nature, be it the moon, the rain, or the sun.
Today, just like these mountains, I feel ready to come out of the darkness and out of the haze and be seen and heard. In my own time and at my own pace, that’s the only way I know how. Just like nature, I can’t be forced. Just like nature, my thoughts and emotions change abruptly, with no warning. Just like nature, I’m light and dark, bright and beautiful, moody and peaceful. Some days I feel small like a pebble that gets kicked and overlooked on the trail and some days I feel rooted and strong like the trees.
To all my friends that allowed me the safe, non-judgmental space to speak and be heard this week, thank you. Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for hearing me. Thank you for supporting me. I was able, after years of harboring some toxic truths, able to speak the words I felt forced to keep inside for so long. Despite some darkness and discomfort, this has been a healing week.
One day, I’ll have the strength to write openly about the traumatic truths that have surfaced this week, but for now, I feel proud that I was able to vocalize them to a select few. I felt a weight lift that I didn’t know I was carrying as I was able to give words to what I had been harboring for so long.
